Crimson
by Lucky Chan
Summary: Set after the ending of the manga, preSeisou Hen possibly. No matter how hard he tries, Kenshin is still tormented by his own demons. And he finds only one painful solution: leave his family behind.


**Crimson**

The evening air was warm, for summer had come to the world, but not to him.

He shivered, as if it was winter, and snow lay thick on the ground beneath his feet, all white and immaculate, until he would see crimson slowly drip into the white, then he would look up, and he would realize that it was raining blood.He shook his head, and the visions disappeared. They appeared to him often, even now, when he was wide awake. He thought he had left the nightmares behind when he had settled down with her, a lifetime ago. And yet they came each night, each day; but still she would try to chase them away, the demons of his past.

_This is real, Kenshin_, she would say, holding his son up for him to hold, _we are real._

But as the days wore on, he wondered if he could ever live like this, _normally_, because he could never _be_ normal, not anymore. His scar had faded, but it was still there, a reminder of his past sins. He did not deserve this peace that she had given him.

There were many nights when he would awake from another one of his dreams, shaking, getting up quietly so he would not wake her. He would gaze at her then, wishing he could sleep like she did, slumbering so completely, he would almost think she did not have a care in the world.

But she had, and he knew that he was one of the things she worried about.

On nights like that, he would think of wandering again, of leaving her and his child behind, until his demons finally left him for good. When he first thought of it, he buried the idea deep down inside him, swearing never to think of it again, but he never could. The idea took hold of him, no matter how much he tried not to, and now here he was, outside their house, taking one last look.

He thought to say goodbye, like he did when he left for Kyoto, many years ago. He could explain everything to her if he did so, and ask her not to follow him this time. He could hold his son for one last time, for when he came back, Kenji would surely not be an infant anymore—he might not even be a child anymore, at that. He wanted to say goodbye, but he was not sure if he could.

For when he would kiss her, one last time, he would not be able to leave her. Her lips were like a crimson thread, binding him fast, entangling him into her, and he would never be able to let her go.

He left his letter beside her while she slept. He carried nothing with him, just as he did when he first began his wandering.

And now, having taken that one last look at his house, he turned his back, and began to walk.

"_Kenshin."_

He ignored the voice, for he knew it was not real, it was only Tomoe speaking again inside his head, her voice still haunting even his waking moments. _Go away_, he thought, walking faster, _leave me alone._

But still, the voice kept calling him, and he stopped walking, closing his eyes, putting a hand over his ears.

It was at that moment that pale arms wrapped around him, and held him tight.

"Please, Kenshin. Don't do this."

He opened his eyes, and let his arms fall at his side.

"Kaoru."

She spoke again then, her voice breaking with every tear that she wept.

"I did not even have the strength to open your letter," she said, "But I _knew_. Please. Don't leave us, Kenshin. Not again."

"Kaoru," he said, gently breaking her hold on him. "I'm really sorry. But this—there is nothing else I can do. Please let me go, Kaoru-dono."

She looked as if he had slapped her, and he might as well have, by calling her as he used to, as if she was still a stranger who had no part in his life.

"I understand now, Kenshin," she said, refusing to be turned away. "Once I tried to chase your demons away for you, but that was wrong. Because I know now, that we both cannot run from your past, not ever."

"I can," he said. "That is why I have to leave."

"No!" She shook her head, as fiercely as she had done the first day they met, when she insisted that swords were made to protect people, and not to kill them. "You _can't_! Your past will always be a part of you, as will Tomoe, and every single one of the people you still see in your dreams! They will always come to haunt us, no matter what we do; we cannot take back what has happened. Instead, we should welcome them, and not keep trying to shut them out, because we _can't_."

She wrapped her arms around him again, and sobbed, still caught up in the intensity of her emotions, "Don't leave us, Kenshin. Are we not a part of your life as well? Is your past all there is? What about us, your present and your future?"

He was silent, unable to find the words.

A piercing cry filled the air, and she looked back at the house.

"Oh no," she burst out, throwing her hands into the air in despair. "Kenji! I need—I need to go back, he's probably hungry again, and I should never have left him alone—"He

"You need to go back," he murmured. He stepped back, and smiled softly at her.

"No," she said. Her eyes darted from him and back to the house, torn.

"Kenji needs you," he said. He took her into his arms, and whispered into her ear, "I'm really sorry, Kaoru."

She began to cry again, and pulled free of his embrace. She ran all the way back to their house, not trusting herself to look back at him, for she knew she would see only his back until he faded into the darkness, as he did before.

She was still weeping as she fed her son, put him back to sleep, and went back to their bed—now only _her_ bed, her bed alone. She was still weeping as she closed her eyes, until sleep came and took her back into its cold and loving arms.

* * *

Sunlight streamed into her window, and she got up from her bed. A piece of paper lay on the bed beside her, and she ignored it, leaving it where it lay on her futon.

She heard her son suddenly giggle from the next room, and she managed to smile at that, despite the tears still running from her eyes.

She entered the next room, slowly taking in the scent of vegetables boiling in a pot, a smell that had always signaled breakfast for her, when Kenshin was still here.

"_Ohayou gozaimashita_, Kaoru."

She stopped in her tracks, her hand unconsciously going up to cover her mouth. She continued to stare at her husband, who was holding his son with one hand and stirring the pot with another, a big and slightly sheepish smile on his face.

"I'm really sorry," he said, "I still haven't finished cooking, because I overslept." Kaoru's jaw dropped lower as she stared at the expression on his face, for it was an expression she had not seen on his face for a long time, ever since the dreams began.

"It's okay, Kenshin," she finally managed to say, and she smiled back, too. "_Okaeri nasai._"

"_Tadaima,_" he said, and they both began to laugh, also something they had not done for so long.

They wrapped their arms around each other, still laughing, and Kenji began to giggle again, with not a clue as to what had just occurred.

_**Author's notes:** Written for the Livejournal community _"31 Days", _a writing community with daily challenges_. _The theme for that day (December 30) was "_Your lips are like a crimson thread

_Yes, I know this doesn't fit the events in Seisou Hen--because I'm still in denial._


End file.
